for you my vision clouded
always thought you were so perfect
shadows cast upon what seemed like heaven
suddenly it wasnt worth it
harsh words break hearts
and hearts they turn to stone
tears they fall down like rain
every time we're on the phone
and you blame it all on me
blame me for giving up
yet scold me for blaming things on you
im wrong for knowing enoughs enough
im wrong for craving happiness
insane for thinking i deserve more
when every night you left me crying
heart shattered on the floor
you bring out the worst in me
the monster that i hate to be
our personalities simply clash
I dont know how we ever were a we
you insist things were getting better
but how long did you expect me to wait
with more waiting i'd learn to hate you
any longer and it'd be too late
in love with a memory of what used to be
but not quite with me
you're holding on to what once was
refusing to open your eyes and see
the guy i fell in love with
was never really real
i saw what i wanted to see
felt what i wanted to feel
you were never my prince charming
though at times you were so good
it was overshadowed by the bad
i woulda stopped it if i could
but i always knew id never forget
the worst of all your lies
the baddest of all your deeds
i just had to say goodbye
i found myself saying sorry
for things i dont think ive ever done
anything to avoid another fight
sick of battles never won
and now youre a whole new person
a person i never knew
and im finding it hard to accept
that this is the real you
and im sick of the way you make me feel
the way you pick on me till i cry
argue about a relationship so long gone
and the tears take forever to dry
and i know you dont wanna hear this
but now that i have someone new
its not so easy to think back
and remember me and you
cuz the cracks you left in my heart
are just a thing of the past
ive found someone that makes me happy
and im praying it will last
everyone deserves perfection
and ive finally found mine
we never could have been perfect
no matter how hard we tried
but youve heard this all before
this isnt something new
i dont want you to hurt me anymore
but its something that you do
yet i foolishly still talk to you
just like ive always done
forever stuck in this endless loop
of wars never won
but as always we're getting nowhere
limping down the same old road
knowing in the past its lead to disaster
but not knowing where else to go
im just hoping you dont hate me
i never wanted to hurt you at all
but we never could have lasted
you made me feel so small
Sunday, June 13, 2010
random quote - age 18
Fought through the obstacles that kept us apart
But just as was intended right from the start
You came around and took over my heart
But just as was intended right from the start
You came around and took over my heart
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
note (age 18) "what is love"
What is love…
• It’s staying up late talking all night then suffering trying to stay awake in class the next day.
• It’s the ability to talk forever and never get bored.
• It’s smiling when he’s around and having no logical reason as to why.
• It’s wearing his clothes, not because you’re cold, but because they make you feel like he’s there when he’s not.
• It’s watching a movie with his arm around you and your hand in his.
• It’s when he’s more interesting than the movie playing in the theater.
• It’s when you think back to the beginning and laugh at yourself for being so shy.
• It’s realizing that he’s the only one who can make you smile the way he does.
• It’s the way your name sounds so much better when he says it.
• It’s when he compliments you on what you’re wearing and you silently vow to wear it more often.
• It’s when you see yourself all over his web page and he doesn’t care if his friends tease him.
• It’s when you can’t imagine how you lived without him for so long.
• It’s when any other relationship you’ve had becomes completely insignificant.
• It’s when he can’t stand to see you cry.
• It’s when you worry about each other every second that you’re not together.
• It’s when you’re jealous but it passes because you trust him to not hurt you.
• It’s when you turn on your I-pod and play a song that reminds you of him.
• It’s how you feel when he calls you beautiful or his princess.
• It’s when you purposely wear his favorite color to see if he’ll notice.
• It’s when you go out together and realize your outfits match completely by accident.
• It’s the feeling you get when you haven’t seen him in a while and when you see him you can’t help but run and throw your arms around him.
• It’s when he’s the star of all your dreams.
• It’s when you know there’s always the risk of it not lasting, but you just can’t help but put all your hope and trust into believing it will.
• It’s when it hurts to know he ever loved anyone else.
• It’s when the thought of being with anyone else doesn’t even cross your mind.
• It’s when you can’t help but laugh when you realize that when we first met we would have never thought we’d fall in love.
• It’s how you feel when he tells you that you’ve made him a better person.
• It’s when you think of him and smile and everyone on the train looks at you like you’re crazy but you don’t care.
• It’s when you’re happy simply because he’s happy.
• It’s when you try to take him places you know he’ll like just to see the expressions on his face.
• It’s when you realize that you used to hate public affection but now that you’re with him the rest of the world doesn’t matter.
• It’s when you never want to let him go…ever
• It’s when you miss him and you haven’t even parted yet
• It’s when you never get tired of hearing his voice.
• It’s when you hear his name and smile because you know he’s yours.
• It’s telling him every day, any time, anyhow, anywhere, that you love him.
• It’s being corny but really meaning it.
• It’s when, not only does he tell you you’re beautiful, but he actually makes you feel beautiful.
• It’s when, not only is he your bf, but he’s suddenly your best friend.
• It’s when you don’t care if anyone accepts that you’re together, because you have each other and that’s all that matters.
• It’s the sudden urge to be creative and make or write him something that will make him smile.
• It’s when your face hurts from smiling too much.
• It’s waking up to a text message from him.
• It’s staying up late talking all night then suffering trying to stay awake in class the next day.
• It’s the ability to talk forever and never get bored.
• It’s smiling when he’s around and having no logical reason as to why.
• It’s wearing his clothes, not because you’re cold, but because they make you feel like he’s there when he’s not.
• It’s watching a movie with his arm around you and your hand in his.
• It’s when he’s more interesting than the movie playing in the theater.
• It’s when you think back to the beginning and laugh at yourself for being so shy.
• It’s realizing that he’s the only one who can make you smile the way he does.
• It’s the way your name sounds so much better when he says it.
• It’s when he compliments you on what you’re wearing and you silently vow to wear it more often.
• It’s when you see yourself all over his web page and he doesn’t care if his friends tease him.
• It’s when you can’t imagine how you lived without him for so long.
• It’s when any other relationship you’ve had becomes completely insignificant.
• It’s when he can’t stand to see you cry.
• It’s when you worry about each other every second that you’re not together.
• It’s when you’re jealous but it passes because you trust him to not hurt you.
• It’s when you turn on your I-pod and play a song that reminds you of him.
• It’s how you feel when he calls you beautiful or his princess.
• It’s when you purposely wear his favorite color to see if he’ll notice.
• It’s when you go out together and realize your outfits match completely by accident.
• It’s the feeling you get when you haven’t seen him in a while and when you see him you can’t help but run and throw your arms around him.
• It’s when he’s the star of all your dreams.
• It’s when you know there’s always the risk of it not lasting, but you just can’t help but put all your hope and trust into believing it will.
• It’s when it hurts to know he ever loved anyone else.
• It’s when the thought of being with anyone else doesn’t even cross your mind.
• It’s when you can’t help but laugh when you realize that when we first met we would have never thought we’d fall in love.
• It’s how you feel when he tells you that you’ve made him a better person.
• It’s when you think of him and smile and everyone on the train looks at you like you’re crazy but you don’t care.
• It’s when you’re happy simply because he’s happy.
• It’s when you try to take him places you know he’ll like just to see the expressions on his face.
• It’s when you realize that you used to hate public affection but now that you’re with him the rest of the world doesn’t matter.
• It’s when you never want to let him go…ever
• It’s when you miss him and you haven’t even parted yet
• It’s when you never get tired of hearing his voice.
• It’s when you hear his name and smile because you know he’s yours.
• It’s telling him every day, any time, anyhow, anywhere, that you love him.
• It’s being corny but really meaning it.
• It’s when, not only does he tell you you’re beautiful, but he actually makes you feel beautiful.
• It’s when, not only is he your bf, but he’s suddenly your best friend.
• It’s when you don’t care if anyone accepts that you’re together, because you have each other and that’s all that matters.
• It’s the sudden urge to be creative and make or write him something that will make him smile.
• It’s when your face hurts from smiling too much.
• It’s waking up to a text message from him.
song (age 18) "why cant we stop the world"
Why cant we stop the world
So I’d just be with you
Shut out all our problems
Hold to what is true
We could stay like this forever
Just lying in your bed
Just tell me, tell me baby
What’s in your head
Cuz I can’t stand the silence
When I know that something’s wrong
That look always gives you away
Though you’re trying to be strong
I wish there was something
I could say
To make those feelings
Go away
So I’ll be your shoulder to lean on
When things get out of hand
Standing right beside you
Trying to understand
Cuz even though it’s you in pain
I’m the one who’ll cry
Cuz its killing me to see you hurt
And these feelings will never die
Why cant we stop the world
So I’d just be with you
Shut out all our problems
Hold to what is true
We could stay like this forever
Just lying in your bed
Just tell me, tell me baby
What’s in your head
The music’s playing softly
Just loud enough to hear
Cherishing the silence
Holding you so near
I’ll kiss your bad thoughts away
Comfort you through the night
Cuz baby, baby, baby,
It’ll be alright
So let’s just stop the world
So I can be with you
Shut out all our problems
Hold to what is true
We’ll stay like this forever
Just lying in your bed
Till we finally fall asleep…
With nothing left unsaid
So I’d just be with you
Shut out all our problems
Hold to what is true
We could stay like this forever
Just lying in your bed
Just tell me, tell me baby
What’s in your head
Cuz I can’t stand the silence
When I know that something’s wrong
That look always gives you away
Though you’re trying to be strong
I wish there was something
I could say
To make those feelings
Go away
So I’ll be your shoulder to lean on
When things get out of hand
Standing right beside you
Trying to understand
Cuz even though it’s you in pain
I’m the one who’ll cry
Cuz its killing me to see you hurt
And these feelings will never die
Why cant we stop the world
So I’d just be with you
Shut out all our problems
Hold to what is true
We could stay like this forever
Just lying in your bed
Just tell me, tell me baby
What’s in your head
The music’s playing softly
Just loud enough to hear
Cherishing the silence
Holding you so near
I’ll kiss your bad thoughts away
Comfort you through the night
Cuz baby, baby, baby,
It’ll be alright
So let’s just stop the world
So I can be with you
Shut out all our problems
Hold to what is true
We’ll stay like this forever
Just lying in your bed
Till we finally fall asleep…
With nothing left unsaid
poem (age 18)
Lately I’ve found myself dreaming
In a world where nothing’s wrong
Doing what I feel is right
No matter who it is I harm
Ten seconds on the clock
And you’re walking through the door
I get shy just looking at you
And my eyes drop to the floor
We can’t risk speaking
Or risk being too close
For all their eyes are watching
When I want you near the most
Holding hands in the dark
As pictures flash across the screen
I rest my head on your shoulder
Not caring about being seen
The theater could have disappeared
And faded into the night
And I would have stayed in that moment
Not leaving without a fight
Now floating on the Hudson
Is the proof that we were there
Throwing wishes to the waves
In the frigid winter air
I shivered in your arms
Silently staring at the sky
No words were needed
With the seconds ticking by
The night slowly grew colder
As the snow began to fall
Tightly grasping the moment
Not wanting to leave at all
Feelings grew so quickly
Faster than I could blink
So when u asked the question
I didn’t have to think
Wandering the city together
Adoring the smile on your face
Loving being by your side
A feeling nothing can replace
Another moment imprinted
Inside a spinning room
Stopping time in its place
Not wanting to resume
Fears washed away
As we touched the sky
Reaching the top of the world
Kissing the ground goodbye
I could have stayed up there forever
Lying silently by your side
No one can take that moment from us
Not even if they tried
And though this is a bumpy path
And our friends don’t understand
I’ll follow you to the end of the world
If you promise to hold my hand
In a world where nothing’s wrong
Doing what I feel is right
No matter who it is I harm
Ten seconds on the clock
And you’re walking through the door
I get shy just looking at you
And my eyes drop to the floor
We can’t risk speaking
Or risk being too close
For all their eyes are watching
When I want you near the most
Holding hands in the dark
As pictures flash across the screen
I rest my head on your shoulder
Not caring about being seen
The theater could have disappeared
And faded into the night
And I would have stayed in that moment
Not leaving without a fight
Now floating on the Hudson
Is the proof that we were there
Throwing wishes to the waves
In the frigid winter air
I shivered in your arms
Silently staring at the sky
No words were needed
With the seconds ticking by
The night slowly grew colder
As the snow began to fall
Tightly grasping the moment
Not wanting to leave at all
Feelings grew so quickly
Faster than I could blink
So when u asked the question
I didn’t have to think
Wandering the city together
Adoring the smile on your face
Loving being by your side
A feeling nothing can replace
Another moment imprinted
Inside a spinning room
Stopping time in its place
Not wanting to resume
Fears washed away
As we touched the sky
Reaching the top of the world
Kissing the ground goodbye
I could have stayed up there forever
Lying silently by your side
No one can take that moment from us
Not even if they tried
And though this is a bumpy path
And our friends don’t understand
I’ll follow you to the end of the world
If you promise to hold my hand
poem (age 18)
Just a frail little girl
With too big of a heart
A creative mind
And a terrible start
Motherly by nature
Peace keeper at home
Lost in her thoughts
Writing a poem
She crys so easily
She trys to stay strong
Forever the role model
Can never do wrong
Cuts easily hidden
Under her sleeve
She cant be imperfect
So they’ll never see
Nightmares every night
Dreams far away
Parents come and go
She knows they’ll never stay
Imagining a better world
Cuz in this one shes lost
Protects her sisters
At any cost
Traumatized by love
Princes are hard to come by
Never expected him to be perfect
At least thought he’d try
Sometimes shes loud
Others shes shy
Forever a dreamer
Always asking why
Always willing to love
Yet always scared of the pain
Never ready for the downfall
Of the love that keeps her sane
Moody till the day she dies
Feelings easily hurt
Sarcastic and defensive
Not much of a flirt
Doesn’t drink
Nor does she do drugs
Not much to dance or party
Loves to get hugs
Hates the way she looks
Forever insecure
Refuses to grow up
Pretty immature
Just wants someone to love her
For all that she is
Find someone who needs her
And forever be his
Perfection isn’t real
But she’ll see it in his eyes
That to him shes perfect
No need for goodbyes
Stubbornly she waits
For love to fall from the sky
Its not something you should have to fight for
So she shouldn’t have to try
Friday, March 12, 2010
Note (11-13-06)
Crying yourself to sleep doesnt do anything but make you tired and look like shit the next morning.
Cutting yourself doesnt do anything but make your wrist burn and direct unwanted questions at you.
Dont drag anyone else into your sorrow with you, cuz when they cry, you cry knowing its your fault.
When your eyes burn like no tomorrow you know youve cried too much.
And when you start cutting little hearts into your arms...you know theres something wrong.
Cutting yourself doesnt do anything but make your wrist burn and direct unwanted questions at you.
Dont drag anyone else into your sorrow with you, cuz when they cry, you cry knowing its your fault.
When your eyes burn like no tomorrow you know youve cried too much.
And when you start cutting little hearts into your arms...you know theres something wrong.
Poem (age 14)
how could you expect me to love
when all i've known is hate
how can you think you can help me
when youre fourteen years too late
you want me to tell you everything
do you really think its not hard
to just come out and say
why im so scarred
how can i speak in words aloud
of times i felt so alone
of the way i feel inside
of all my problems at home
how could i ever tell you
that when i walk alone in the rain
silent and unnoticable as it may be
im crying away my pain
how can i just speak of
my many sleepless nights
trying to cry myself to sleep
as my family fights
how could i tell you
that im so scared to fall in love
because every time i try
it gets shot down from above
i try to make everyone understand
through these poems that i write
but no one sees its all true
that im really not alright
Take a look in my eyes
And let them speak the truth
let them tell stories of how
i cried away my youth
let them reflect an image
of what i really am inside
let them tell you of my fears
which i try desperatly to hide
you say im slow to catch on
but i can see things coming from a mile away
you say i look really happy
but you have no clue how many tears i've cried today
I've told you time and time again
to pay more attention to my silent crys
this poem was meant to help you understand
but i think its just another one of my failed tries
when all i've known is hate
how can you think you can help me
when youre fourteen years too late
you want me to tell you everything
do you really think its not hard
to just come out and say
why im so scarred
how can i speak in words aloud
of times i felt so alone
of the way i feel inside
of all my problems at home
how could i ever tell you
that when i walk alone in the rain
silent and unnoticable as it may be
im crying away my pain
how can i just speak of
my many sleepless nights
trying to cry myself to sleep
as my family fights
how could i tell you
that im so scared to fall in love
because every time i try
it gets shot down from above
i try to make everyone understand
through these poems that i write
but no one sees its all true
that im really not alright
Take a look in my eyes
And let them speak the truth
let them tell stories of how
i cried away my youth
let them reflect an image
of what i really am inside
let them tell you of my fears
which i try desperatly to hide
you say im slow to catch on
but i can see things coming from a mile away
you say i look really happy
but you have no clue how many tears i've cried today
I've told you time and time again
to pay more attention to my silent crys
this poem was meant to help you understand
but i think its just another one of my failed tries
Thursday, March 11, 2010
poem (age 14) "silent whispers"
i hear you whisper to me
in words i cant understand
lost and confused as you reach out to me
as you grab my hand
i am running from you
but youre everywhere i go
consuming all i see
and everything i know
you whisper once again
with a voice to small to hear
straining my ears to hear your words
we have grown so near
you whisper one last time
and i heard just what you said
now all the words youve said to me
are running through my head
in words i cant understand
lost and confused as you reach out to me
as you grab my hand
i am running from you
but youre everywhere i go
consuming all i see
and everything i know
you whisper once again
with a voice to small to hear
straining my ears to hear your words
we have grown so near
you whisper one last time
and i heard just what you said
now all the words youve said to me
are running through my head
Poem (age 14)
she was an angel with broken wings
searching for someone to help her heal
he was just another face in the crowd
never believing angels were real
but this angel touched his heart
like no one ever could
he loved that dying angel
like she thought no one ever would
he said that she was beautiful
something no ones said before
and the only thing that kept him believing
was the smile that she wore
but that angel pushed him away
and it tore his heart apart
sadly that angel died
when he died of a broken heart
searching for someone to help her heal
he was just another face in the crowd
never believing angels were real
but this angel touched his heart
like no one ever could
he loved that dying angel
like she thought no one ever would
he said that she was beautiful
something no ones said before
and the only thing that kept him believing
was the smile that she wore
but that angel pushed him away
and it tore his heart apart
sadly that angel died
when he died of a broken heart
Poem (age 14) "sallys in the hospital"
It pains me to leave you
but the feeling of death lingers in the air
the smell of blood surrounding me
an eerie breeze blowing my hair
its too much for me to handle
as tears threaten to hit the floor
i reach out to touch your hand
before i walk out the door
we need you please dont go
and remember youre not alone
im with you as i wait in patience
to see your smiling face back home
get well soon sally...
but the feeling of death lingers in the air
the smell of blood surrounding me
an eerie breeze blowing my hair
its too much for me to handle
as tears threaten to hit the floor
i reach out to touch your hand
before i walk out the door
we need you please dont go
and remember youre not alone
im with you as i wait in patience
to see your smiling face back home
get well soon sally...
Poem (age 14) "a cry for help"
crying tears of blood
a hurt expression on my face
please dont leave me here alone
i have lost my place
pry the knife from my icy grip
dont let me do this anymore
never let me run away
grasp my hand as i walk through that door
convince me itll be ok
please dont let me cry
for with my tears comes my soul
and i will surly die
i dont wish to die this way
but youre nowhere in sight
reaching out unable to reach you
i give up the fight
a hurt expression on my face
please dont leave me here alone
i have lost my place
pry the knife from my icy grip
dont let me do this anymore
never let me run away
grasp my hand as i walk through that door
convince me itll be ok
please dont let me cry
for with my tears comes my soul
and i will surly die
i dont wish to die this way
but youre nowhere in sight
reaching out unable to reach you
i give up the fight
note (1-13-08) rest in peace aunt sally
what they say is true
you dont know what you have till its gone
you dont realize how sweet their voice was
or how good it was to hear them laugh
or the dumb things they would say to make you laugh
until its too late to ever hear them again
you dont see that you love to see them smile
or even just the simple sight of their chest rising and falling taking in air
until youll never see those things again
and it takes a minute to hit you
as you sit there in shock
not knowing what to say
or what to do
not knowing whether you want to run away
or stick around for some comforting
then the tears start coming
and they dont stop
and all you can do is cry
you just dont feel like talking anymore
or showing any emotion at all
you just wanna lay down and go to sleep
until this all blows over
how do you let go of someone you've known your whole life?
when youve grown up so accustomed to them being there
and suddenly theyre gone
and you realize theyre not coming back
how do you deal?
you dont know what you have till its gone
you dont realize how sweet their voice was
or how good it was to hear them laugh
or the dumb things they would say to make you laugh
until its too late to ever hear them again
you dont see that you love to see them smile
or even just the simple sight of their chest rising and falling taking in air
until youll never see those things again
and it takes a minute to hit you
as you sit there in shock
not knowing what to say
or what to do
not knowing whether you want to run away
or stick around for some comforting
then the tears start coming
and they dont stop
and all you can do is cry
you just dont feel like talking anymore
or showing any emotion at all
you just wanna lay down and go to sleep
until this all blows over
how do you let go of someone you've known your whole life?
when youve grown up so accustomed to them being there
and suddenly theyre gone
and you realize theyre not coming back
how do you deal?
Poem (age 13) "angels"
all are angels
when they are born
their minds are not fogged
their hearts not yet torn
too young to understand
they live their lives half blind
knowing not their troubles
not paying any mind
but then they grow up
and they begin to see
whats really going on
how life can really be
but still theyre too young
to understand and to know
exactly what to do
and exactly where to go
now they feel the pain
they know its ok to cry
but still they are too young
to let their soul die
then they become teens
and it hits them now the most
now they trully know
and start to feel overdoced
now is when theyre depressed
when they cry themselves to sleep
when they start to slit their wrists
making sure to cut deep
now is when they look back
and realize their life was a living hell
they cant stand the people around them
and shy away from the house in which they dwell
an angel isnt an angel forever
soon they all do fall
they become one of the fallen
and they give up it all
when they are born
their minds are not fogged
their hearts not yet torn
too young to understand
they live their lives half blind
knowing not their troubles
not paying any mind
but then they grow up
and they begin to see
whats really going on
how life can really be
but still theyre too young
to understand and to know
exactly what to do
and exactly where to go
now they feel the pain
they know its ok to cry
but still they are too young
to let their soul die
then they become teens
and it hits them now the most
now they trully know
and start to feel overdoced
now is when theyre depressed
when they cry themselves to sleep
when they start to slit their wrists
making sure to cut deep
now is when they look back
and realize their life was a living hell
they cant stand the people around them
and shy away from the house in which they dwell
an angel isnt an angel forever
soon they all do fall
they become one of the fallen
and they give up it all
Poem (age 13)
i know i have a heart
because i feel it breaking
i know i have a mind
because i feel it aching
i know that i have eyes
because i can feel them crying
and i know i have a soul
because i feel it dying
i feel the earth beneith me
i see the sky above me
i smell the air around me
i just want someone to love me
i laugh a half hearted laugh
cry a half hearted cry
while my heart beats half heartedly
as it will til the day i die
i know theres some who love me
but i need more than they can give
my heart seems to give up a little more each day
how much longer will i live?
i watched as the worst happened
watched my life crumble before my eyes
sadly i was the only one who noticed
as my soul little by little dies
and i have to hold back a tear
every second of every day
listening to people ask whats wrong
and not knowing what to say
and my mind is aching
for i no longer know what to do
and i cant make it go away
pressure sticks to me like glue
my heart slows down more and more
cuz its giving up the fight
its the only part of my body that has sence
every other part pretends everythings alright
but im not alright
i probably never will be again
soon ill get used to the pain
the pain my only friend
I wish someone could see the pain im in
i wish they would give me the help i need
wish they could help me heal my wounds
after they see how i bleed
some unsuccessful people have tried
to help me in my time of need
because they saw my pain
heard my silent plead
and to this day i wish they would have understood me
seen the truth through my lie
but they didnt so they left
left me there to die
i toss and turn in bed at night
thinking about how scared i am of death
and i cry thinking about how it must feel
to know youre about to take your last breath
i sit there in the darkness
swimming through my pool of tears
letting a few more fill it up
as ive done over the years
until i finally fall asleep
and slip into another nightmare
but i live one every day
so its really no big scare
i awaken in the morning
force a smile on my face
take a look in the mirror
and tell my reflection its a disgrace
my head resumes its pounding
tears threaten to hit the floor
a bit of my soul dies away
and my heart tears a little more
because i feel it breaking
i know i have a mind
because i feel it aching
i know that i have eyes
because i can feel them crying
and i know i have a soul
because i feel it dying
i feel the earth beneith me
i see the sky above me
i smell the air around me
i just want someone to love me
i laugh a half hearted laugh
cry a half hearted cry
while my heart beats half heartedly
as it will til the day i die
i know theres some who love me
but i need more than they can give
my heart seems to give up a little more each day
how much longer will i live?
i watched as the worst happened
watched my life crumble before my eyes
sadly i was the only one who noticed
as my soul little by little dies
and i have to hold back a tear
every second of every day
listening to people ask whats wrong
and not knowing what to say
and my mind is aching
for i no longer know what to do
and i cant make it go away
pressure sticks to me like glue
my heart slows down more and more
cuz its giving up the fight
its the only part of my body that has sence
every other part pretends everythings alright
but im not alright
i probably never will be again
soon ill get used to the pain
the pain my only friend
I wish someone could see the pain im in
i wish they would give me the help i need
wish they could help me heal my wounds
after they see how i bleed
some unsuccessful people have tried
to help me in my time of need
because they saw my pain
heard my silent plead
and to this day i wish they would have understood me
seen the truth through my lie
but they didnt so they left
left me there to die
i toss and turn in bed at night
thinking about how scared i am of death
and i cry thinking about how it must feel
to know youre about to take your last breath
i sit there in the darkness
swimming through my pool of tears
letting a few more fill it up
as ive done over the years
until i finally fall asleep
and slip into another nightmare
but i live one every day
so its really no big scare
i awaken in the morning
force a smile on my face
take a look in the mirror
and tell my reflection its a disgrace
my head resumes its pounding
tears threaten to hit the floor
a bit of my soul dies away
and my heart tears a little more
Poem (age 13)
Steel
As cold as ice in my hand
Lincoln park blasting
One of my favorite bands
The blade
Ready to slice
Ready to slit my wrist
Bet itd feel nice
No where to go
but down from here
Ive lost almost everything
I held so near
But i wont admit
that im depressed
The word is too powerful
lets just say stressed
You know that song "scars"?
i want to sing it to my mom real loud
i want to ask her
if shes proud
proud her oldest daughter hates her
proud she ruined my life
proud that shes to blame
proud im in my room with a knife
the cold steel
feels so good
between my fingertips
wondering if i would
would i dare
give up the fight
cut myself again
would that be alrite?
would it mean my mom won?
that she succeeded?
in hurted me so bad
that i actually bleeded?
Is that her plan?
to ruin me
like she did to herself?
but doesnt she see?
im not like her
different in every way
she says im a mini her
let her say what she wants to say
im better than her
and through all the pain
this single thought
is what keeps me sane
The knife
its calling my name
if i cut myself
would i be the same?
i cant do this
i cant let her win
give in to the devil
sin the greatest sin
but the blade
its calls got louder
laughing with my mom
making her prouder
im going to do it
hands shaking real bad
theyre still laughing
and its making me mad
i lower it to my wrist
its chanting my name
ready for the blood
ready for the pain
damn this knife
the pressures going to my brain
im totally losing it
im going insane
i cant let this happen
i cant let her win
this is too much
its making my head spin
i have to make it stop
but how?
i dont think i can
is it too late now?
i lift the blade up
fell its presence leave my arm
and it screams in anger
knowing it did no harm
im not gonna give in
not today
i put the knife down
and i walk away
As cold as ice in my hand
Lincoln park blasting
One of my favorite bands
The blade
Ready to slice
Ready to slit my wrist
Bet itd feel nice
No where to go
but down from here
Ive lost almost everything
I held so near
But i wont admit
that im depressed
The word is too powerful
lets just say stressed
You know that song "scars"?
i want to sing it to my mom real loud
i want to ask her
if shes proud
proud her oldest daughter hates her
proud she ruined my life
proud that shes to blame
proud im in my room with a knife
the cold steel
feels so good
between my fingertips
wondering if i would
would i dare
give up the fight
cut myself again
would that be alrite?
would it mean my mom won?
that she succeeded?
in hurted me so bad
that i actually bleeded?
Is that her plan?
to ruin me
like she did to herself?
but doesnt she see?
im not like her
different in every way
she says im a mini her
let her say what she wants to say
im better than her
and through all the pain
this single thought
is what keeps me sane
The knife
its calling my name
if i cut myself
would i be the same?
i cant do this
i cant let her win
give in to the devil
sin the greatest sin
but the blade
its calls got louder
laughing with my mom
making her prouder
im going to do it
hands shaking real bad
theyre still laughing
and its making me mad
i lower it to my wrist
its chanting my name
ready for the blood
ready for the pain
damn this knife
the pressures going to my brain
im totally losing it
im going insane
i cant let this happen
i cant let her win
this is too much
its making my head spin
i have to make it stop
but how?
i dont think i can
is it too late now?
i lift the blade up
fell its presence leave my arm
and it screams in anger
knowing it did no harm
im not gonna give in
not today
i put the knife down
and i walk away
Poem (age 13)
Life was dark
Lonely and cold
I felt like i was a failure
to behold
i just wanted
to curl up in a ball and die
and i would constantly
break down and cry
it was just so hard
i couldnt live my life
it was like pain,
someone stabbing you with a knife
it was like suffering,
when every breath can kill
it was like dying,
time just stands still
but then i met you
gave me a reason to go on
i saw a light in you
a long awaited dawn
life was bright
and full of hope
no reason to cry
no reason to mope
i just wanted
for you to never leave
you were my miracle
my reason to believe
i just wanted you to know
you brighten up my day
dust off the cobwebs
chase the shadows away
but then you decieved me
made the shadows come back
bringing back the darkeness
id just began to lack
but its my fault
im the one to blame
we were just friends
then a new girl came
a girl that made you happy
whenever she was there
a girl that youd always
let her know you care
and it tore me apart
to see you with her
my body would start aching
my eyes would blur
so now i sit in darkness
my life full of regret
but my love for you that you could have returned
i will never forget
Lonely and cold
I felt like i was a failure
to behold
i just wanted
to curl up in a ball and die
and i would constantly
break down and cry
it was just so hard
i couldnt live my life
it was like pain,
someone stabbing you with a knife
it was like suffering,
when every breath can kill
it was like dying,
time just stands still
but then i met you
gave me a reason to go on
i saw a light in you
a long awaited dawn
life was bright
and full of hope
no reason to cry
no reason to mope
i just wanted
for you to never leave
you were my miracle
my reason to believe
i just wanted you to know
you brighten up my day
dust off the cobwebs
chase the shadows away
but then you decieved me
made the shadows come back
bringing back the darkeness
id just began to lack
but its my fault
im the one to blame
we were just friends
then a new girl came
a girl that made you happy
whenever she was there
a girl that youd always
let her know you care
and it tore me apart
to see you with her
my body would start aching
my eyes would blur
so now i sit in darkness
my life full of regret
but my love for you that you could have returned
i will never forget
Poem (age 13) "unwhole"
You came into my life
Slowly but so quick
And some of the things you do
kinda makes me sick
but when you make me laugh
it takes my pain away
and when you laugh with me
it brightens up my day
I noticed i talk about you alot
And people are starting to suspect
That youre more than just a friend
But what should i expect?
I do really like you
I do really care
But I cant tell anyone this
I would never dare
You always do funny things
To try and make me smile
and sometimes i think you like me too
But only for a while
Sometimes i think youre trying to impress me
and the wierd thing is it works
and i think you know it does
cuz you give me one of your smirks
no matter what i may say
cuz i can lie too
i may try to deny it
but i do really like you
I was thinking today
about why i dont just tell you
about the way i feel
and i found the reason why too
I realized im scared
ashamed of how i feel
cuz i know if you turned me down
i couldnt deal
im scared to have a lover
who is a friend
cuz shen its over
wouldnt the friendship end?
but i dont want that to happen
cuz i still want you there
Cuz even though youre just a friend
at least i know you care
maybe not how i care about you
but in a different way
or maybe you do
and just dont wanna say
maybe youre as scared as me
to say how you feel
maybe youre thinking like me
this fantasy could never be real
But until one of us confesses
And pours out our soul
Ill just have to live without you
And just feel unwhole
Slowly but so quick
And some of the things you do
kinda makes me sick
but when you make me laugh
it takes my pain away
and when you laugh with me
it brightens up my day
I noticed i talk about you alot
And people are starting to suspect
That youre more than just a friend
But what should i expect?
I do really like you
I do really care
But I cant tell anyone this
I would never dare
You always do funny things
To try and make me smile
and sometimes i think you like me too
But only for a while
Sometimes i think youre trying to impress me
and the wierd thing is it works
and i think you know it does
cuz you give me one of your smirks
no matter what i may say
cuz i can lie too
i may try to deny it
but i do really like you
I was thinking today
about why i dont just tell you
about the way i feel
and i found the reason why too
I realized im scared
ashamed of how i feel
cuz i know if you turned me down
i couldnt deal
im scared to have a lover
who is a friend
cuz shen its over
wouldnt the friendship end?
but i dont want that to happen
cuz i still want you there
Cuz even though youre just a friend
at least i know you care
maybe not how i care about you
but in a different way
or maybe you do
and just dont wanna say
maybe youre as scared as me
to say how you feel
maybe youre thinking like me
this fantasy could never be real
But until one of us confesses
And pours out our soul
Ill just have to live without you
And just feel unwhole
Poem (age 12) "dream"
I never had a mother
I never had a father
I hardly have a family
So why do i bother
Im just trying to live my life
To the fullest that i can
Just trying not to kill myself
Thats always been the plan
I could just run away
But then my family would miss me
I could break down and cry
But then my friends would diss me
No one understands
I dont make it a big deal
No one understands
I wish my life wasnt real
I am constantly yelling
At people who say their life is bad
Because Im so sick of it
They have the life I never had
I curse out my mom
And dont think of her when im not
I hate my mom
For all i care she could rot
Where in the world she is
I really dont know
Shes being really stupid
Shes stooped way too low
Probably out doing drugs
Or looking for another boyfriend
She already has 4 girls
When is it gonna end?
Im holding onto my friends
Befor theyre gone too
Never gets any easyer
and its nothing new
And sometimes i worry
That one of them is lying
And to me, losing a friend
Is like a best friend dying
I cant afford to lose anything else
Ive already lost all hope
My life is falling apart
Cuz my mom is nothing but a dope
So i have to cry
I have to scream
I just wish things would get better
But all I can do is dream
I never had a father
I hardly have a family
So why do i bother
Im just trying to live my life
To the fullest that i can
Just trying not to kill myself
Thats always been the plan
I could just run away
But then my family would miss me
I could break down and cry
But then my friends would diss me
No one understands
I dont make it a big deal
No one understands
I wish my life wasnt real
I am constantly yelling
At people who say their life is bad
Because Im so sick of it
They have the life I never had
I curse out my mom
And dont think of her when im not
I hate my mom
For all i care she could rot
Where in the world she is
I really dont know
Shes being really stupid
Shes stooped way too low
Probably out doing drugs
Or looking for another boyfriend
She already has 4 girls
When is it gonna end?
Im holding onto my friends
Befor theyre gone too
Never gets any easyer
and its nothing new
And sometimes i worry
That one of them is lying
And to me, losing a friend
Is like a best friend dying
I cant afford to lose anything else
Ive already lost all hope
My life is falling apart
Cuz my mom is nothing but a dope
So i have to cry
I have to scream
I just wish things would get better
But all I can do is dream
Poem (age 13) "to my love"
In this imperfect world
you seem so out of place
cuz all i see is perfection
in your smiling face
in school
i watch you from behind a book
and i admit it now
i always snuck a look
and you never see me
maybe you never will
you might look up and catch my eye
and time will stand still
no one really knows
exactly how i feel
but believe me when i tell you
this feeling is real
how i wish
you were more than a friend
then i could love you
until the end
and i sit here and wonder
if you felt the same
since you first met me
since you knew my name
and now i sit here
and write this letter
thinking that if we were together
life would be better
i wont let you read this
wont make a big deal
though i want to let you know
this is how i feel
you seem so out of place
cuz all i see is perfection
in your smiling face
in school
i watch you from behind a book
and i admit it now
i always snuck a look
and you never see me
maybe you never will
you might look up and catch my eye
and time will stand still
no one really knows
exactly how i feel
but believe me when i tell you
this feeling is real
how i wish
you were more than a friend
then i could love you
until the end
and i sit here and wonder
if you felt the same
since you first met me
since you knew my name
and now i sit here
and write this letter
thinking that if we were together
life would be better
i wont let you read this
wont make a big deal
though i want to let you know
this is how i feel
poem (age 10) "freedom isnt free"
Good people go to war and expect to come home
So they leave their familys and through the war they rome
They hear about how people die and say that wont be me
Thats what everyone says but if its not them who will it be?
Heres one thing that makes no sence to me
If people have to die for freedom how can it be free?
So they leave their familys and through the war they rome
They hear about how people die and say that wont be me
Thats what everyone says but if its not them who will it be?
Heres one thing that makes no sence to me
If people have to die for freedom how can it be free?
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